I Prefer Sugar In My Coffee
by JSparks
Summary: ;D


_Everyone here is an aspiring writer. Respect your fellow members and lend a helping a hand when they need it. Like many things, the path to becoming a better writer is often a two way street. _

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_**Disclaimer: **Don't be an idiot. SSBB is not mine, obviously._

_This story was written for my most favorite person in the entire world! Thank you so much for reporting me! I have definitely found the error of my ways! Now, hopefully I will one day be as perfect as you!_

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**Dear Dark Iced Coffee**

Mary Sue stood outside of the towering mansion. Inside were several beings known as 'Smashers'. What these Smashers did was gather once a year and fight in some of the most barbaric ways possible. Small children beat their opponents with bats, pink marshmallows were notorious for their rapid punches, and some primitive fools even tried to slice their foes with swords! Mary Sue gripped her pen tightly as she flipped open her notebook.

She had work to do.

She knocked strongly on the door, waiting for one of the competitors to greet her. After several crashes and loud moans of pain, a man finally opened the door. He was in his mid-thirties and had light brown hair held back with an army green headband. Under his arm was a large book. He adjusted his spectacles and reached out a hand.

"Hello, My name is Solid Snake, but you can just call me Snake. How do you do?" The man asked in a clear British accent.

"Reported!" Mary Sue barked in the shocked man's face. His hand fell back to his side. She began scribbling furiously in her notebook.

"What? What do you mean? I haven't done anything!" Snake sputtered, tilting his head to one side. Mary Sue brushed past him into the mansion.

"Your manners are too good! You're wearing glasses! You're reading a book! Since when have you had a British accent? That is _so_ out of character!" Mary Sue yelled into Snake's face.

Snake scratched his head confusedly. Suddenly, there was a high whistle coming from somewhere in the mansion. "Oh! That'll be the tea! If you will please excuse me."

Snake turned and disappeared around a corned mumbling to himself.

"Tea? Oh, you are DEFINATELY getting reported for this!" She shouted after him before she continued writing in her notebook as she strode down a hallway in the opposite direction. Mary Sue walked through the mansion, admiring the clean maroon wallpaper and straight row of portraits of the contestants. It all looked so neat and perfect, why couldn't everything in life be this way? Humming slightly, she meandered into a room full of Smashers. Several were sprawled out on mismatched chairs and sofas, a few were sitting by the window chatting, and one small boy was seated at a wooden table near the fireplace. A slow smile spread over Mary Sue's lips.

Perfect.

With her head held high, she stalked across the room towards the little boy. He was hard at work, scratching a pen across a piece of lined paper. He rubbed his nose and shifted the baseball cap resting on his soft black hair. Mary Sue sat on a chair next to him and glanced at the paper he was writing on so determinedly.

_Deer Santa,_

_Helo, my nayme is Ness. I am 7 yeers old and have bin tryeing reely hard to be a good boy this yeer. Zelda sed that if I am good, you wil leev me sum presints. She sed I coud put what I want in a list and she will send it to you fore me!_

_a new bassball bate_

_a grene yo yo_

_a new bassball cap_

_world pea-_

Mary Sue had seen enough.

She ripped the paper from the small child and waved it in front of his face. "Do you know what this is?"

"That's my letter to Santa! I really hope I get everything on my list! I've been such a good boy this-"

"Stop stop stop!" Mary Sue held up her hand while rolling her eyes and shaking her head. "This is terrible grammar! Do you even know what spell check is?"

"What's that? Zelda's been teaching me how to write, I'm getting real good at it!" The little boy beamed.

"I think not! Reported! Can't anyone in this house follow the guidelines?" She bellowed as she began ripping up Ness's list.

The child's face crumpled as he let out a small sob. Tears began flowing down his face which he hurriedly rubbed away with his balled fists. A graceful woman floated over to the pair and wrapped her arms around the crying youth. She reached into her pocket and pulled out a silken handkerchief that was embroidered with golden triangles and delicate pink and lavender blossoms.

"How could you be so cruel?" The woman exclaimed as she tried to comfort the now wailing child. She pushed her long black hair behind her pointed ears and hugged him.

"Zelda? Is that you?" Mary Sue said skeptically. The elfin woman looked up.

"Yes. And this is Ness, whose Christmas list you so rudely destroyed!" She growled fiercely.

"If you're Zelda, then why do you have black hair?" Mary Sue rubbed her chin and squinted at the girl.

"I guess the author decided she wanted me to have black hair in this story. I'm glad, too, I quite like it!" Zelda replied, tossing her shining locks over her shoulder.

"Reported! It's supposed to be brown! The author can't just change whatever she wants!" Mary Sue screamed. She smirked as she wrote rapidly in her notebook.

"You can't do that! People make my hair blond all the time!" The Hylian said, reaching out to try to grab the book.

"That's because in the original game, you were a blonde. Only if the real game-makers make changes can you make any kind of alteration!" She shouted and snatched the journal back.

Mary Sue stood and flounced out of the room, leaving the two Smashers sitting in stunned silence.

Whistling merrily, she strolled past the open door of the library. Glancing in, she noticed Snake with a large leather-bound book sitting on his lap. His glasses had slid down his nose, but he looked deep in concentration. Smiling, Mary Sue jotted down a quick note and let out a small chuckle. Snake's head shot up.

"Aw come on! Not that again!" The spy rose from the plush, wine-colored chair he had been sitting on and took a step forward.

"You should have seen it coming." She said with a grin as she shut the door in his face.

Mary Sue skipped off down the halls to the back garden. Stepping outside, she breathed in the crisp spring air. She sauntered over to a stone bench nestled in the middle of a patch of brightly colored flowers. She sat down and sighed deeply. All this reporting was getting to her! She needed a little time to relax.

She laid her bag down next to her on the bench and reached in to retrieve a thick, hardcover book. Twilight. Her favorite! She just loved how protective and romantic Edward was! She wanted to someday have a boyfriend just like him. Edward was the most perfect being on the planet, his sparkles and mystical ways sent chills down Mary Sue's spine.

Soon, she was deeply absorbed in the story, except it wasn't Bella she was reading about. She was imagining herself in Bella's place. Mary Sue just knew that if she did this enough, it would come true!

"Oh, Edward! Take me!" Mary Sue screamed in rapture. Suddenly, she heard a tiny giggle. Gently tucking her book back in her bag, she stood to investigate the noise. It sounded like it had come from behind a bush. She noticed a large butterfly bush was quivering slightly. A pair of boots lay a few feet away, looking as if they had been quickly kicked off.

Shoving the bush to one side, Mary Sue gasped at what she saw. A beautiful blonde jumped up and hurriedly wrapped herself in a ragged, tan and burgundy cape. The large blue haired man turned red as he ripped on a pair of off white pants.

"Go away!" Ike shouted.

"REPORTED!" Mary Sue shrieked, writing messily in her notebook, her cheeks burning scarlet.

"What? Why? There wasn't even a description of what was going on! We didn't do anything wrong! What rule did we break?" Ike floundered over his words, throwing on a torn shirt.

"If I have to stay a virgin for the rest of my life, then so do you!" Mary Sue barked at the pair.

"That's not fair!" They yelled as she strutted away.

"Not my problem!" She called back and resumed whistling cheerfully.

Mary Sue strolled back into the mansion to face a kitchen full of Smashers. They all glared down at the young woman. A few of them held sharp looking swords, some had lazor guns, one woman even threateningly clenched a heavy bottomed frying pan.

"Having a problem, are we?" Mary Sue asked as she boldly walked up to the group. She kicked a small blond haired boy and elbowed a short, heavily mustachioed man out of her way. "What are you going to do? Throw me out?"

Mary Sue raised one eyebrow and placed her hands on her hips, tapping her foot impatiently. The Smashers all exchanged looks, grinning. A blue blur streaked by and suddenly, Mary Sue's notebook was gone!

"Hey! That's mine! Give it back you freak!" She stomped her foot and clenched her fists. She began kicking her feet and waving her hands around, all the while roaring like some kind of deranged beast. The Smashers swarmed around her and shoved the angry girl down the hall to the front door.

"You can't do this to me! I'll report you all! I swear! You are all going to be reported! I'm going to add this story to my community! It's going to get so many flames!" Mary Sue screamed as they shoved her outside. She fell onto the ground, getting coated in dirt and dead plants. She rolled around, kicking and screaming like a four year old child being denied a toy.

"Leave us alone!" The Smashers shouted in unison as they slammed the door closed, leaving her lying in the filth.

"Can I at least have my notebook back?" Mary Sue called. The door creaked open and Ness stepped out onto the porch, notebook in hand.

The little boy tossed it to her. Mary Sue reached her hands out to catch it when all of a sudden, Ness curled over, balling his fists. A jet of fire shot out of him and collided with the book. It burst into flames and fell to the ground in front of it's owner in a pile of black ash. Ness smiled sweetly and skipped back inside, shutting the door tightly behind him.

Mary Sue stood and brushed herself off. Holding her head high, she turned and walked stiffly down the road.

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_To Dark Iced Coffee (aka Dic): Have a nice day! :) _


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